We have all been here. You meet someone new. You become immediately attracted to them and they are smart, sexy, funny and ton of other great things. This leads to you two seeing each other a few more times and you’re really into this person. Naturally, you decide to take things to the next level, the physical level. Days or weeks have led up to this moment and you’re filled with anticipation on what you are sure will be a mind blowing, spiritual level, toe-curling sexual encounter. That moment finally came and, well,………. you didn’t. You try to chalk it to first time jitters and awkwardness but you can’t. It was just plain bad. No nice way to say it. What do you do now? Should you break it off? Should you tell them they are terrible in bed?
I’m not saying pick up the phone and let them know how bad they are in between the sheets but don’t lie either. If it was bad….don’t tell them it was great. Faking an orgasm is also never a good idea. Don’t ever fake an orgasm! If you do that, you aren’t helping either one of you. A huge part of sex is the orgasm and if you appear to have one, it is positive reinforcement for your partner. They will try to recreate it. It is easier to tell them what you like or show them. Personally, I’ve never understood people who fake an orgasm. (It’s not just the ladies either) If you are going to fake it, what’s the point in doing it?
Give your partner feedback during sex. You can tell them that you like what they are doing. Moan, scream or make whatever sound you like but verbalize when it feels good. Don’t just be loud for the sake of your partner’s enjoyment. They will respond by assuming you like it. Non-verbal communication is just as important. Play a little “show and tell” with your partner. Physically respond to touch and stimulation that you like in a positive way and don’t react or actually push them away from things you don’t like. Basically, use your body language to steer them in the direction you want. A partner that is invested will be receptive to meeting your needs. If they aren’t, then you should move on!
Communication should occur inside and outside of the bedroom. Some people find it difficult and awkward to communicate during sex and that’s ok. You should be having open and honest discussions about your sex life regularly. Bring up the topic when the two of you are alone, relaxed and comfortable. Let if flow naturally and don’t put pressure on your partner by starting with the dreaded “we need to talk”. Those four words will make anyone tense up. You want the conversation to start off positively, so start by bringing up things that you do like. Begin the conversation by saying something like “Hey the other night when you were doing ___. I really liked that!”.
Once you have your partners full attention, now is the time to lead the conversation in the direction you want or to the things you want them to do different. Keep the positive vibes going. “I really love when you touch me like this but if you did _____ it would feel amazing.” “I heard about this new sex thing and I really want to try it”. These are a few examples.
Let your partner know what you don’t like. This is just as important as telling them what you love. They can’t read your mind after all. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if they could? Again, a good partner is going to be receptive. You don’t have to be mean about it but things like “You know when we tried that thing the other night? I’m glad we tried it but I just don’t think it’s for me”. I’m going to issue a warning. If you tell a partner that you don’t like something and they insist you should keep doing it “for them”, run, do not walk away from that person. This is toxic, abusive behavior.
Enlist Some Help
You’ve had “the talk”, your partner was receptive and putting forth an effort but it’s still not happening. What now? Don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just because your partner can’t bring you to achieve an orgasm during penetration doesn’t mean the sex is completely terrible. There are a percentage of women who are unable to achieve an orgasm from sex alone. If it is a relationship you are still interested in, try using some sex toys to add to stimulation. Try using some https://www.thewonderlandco.com/pages/vibrators or https://www.thewonderlandco.com/pages/dildos .
Sex is an important part of any relationship. If you’ve tried different things, been patient and you still aren’t satisfied, decide if this is the right relationship for you. I am not telling you that you need to go and break things off but there is no shame in saying no when something isn’t right or doesn’t work for you. No one should settle for less than they want and deserve.